I lost my wallet...again

I've been talking about that one single slip-up that might do me in and I think I've just done it.

One day a few years ago I remember being completely overwhelmed by the infinite upon infinite details of life. I'd never experienced anything like it before but it was as if the world had cracked like an egg on the back of my neck and I was waist deep in the running yolk of minutia. It was a sobering moment but also one of extreme discomfort and fastidious anxiety.

I lost my wallet.

I'm already a forgetful person and trying to mind these details only makes me more nervous than I already am. Generally, I try to just move with the flow of things and somehow find a compromise between that and my own view on reality.

I can't helped but think about how screwed I'll be if I can't find it. All the money I saved for the tour is kept in a savings account in Nebraska. A savings account whose debit card is in my wallet and whose money cannot be withdrawn or transferred without that card (I would opt for online banking but the thing is super messed up--I've gotten a new password about three times. I don't even know what it is now.) Without my debit card for that account all the money I saved up for the tour will basically be frozen.

I tried to calm down by reading and it worked to a certain degree but I finished the book and then had nothing else to read. I even listened to Brian Eno's Music for Aiports--a personal favorite. The effect was sedating but only as an escapist means to an end.

Then the there's the mess of re-tracing your steps....

The last time I specifically remember having it was on Sunday while driving to the show at the bakery because I bought some more gas. I don't remember if I put the wallet on the trunk of my car while filling and then forgot to put it away or if I somehow lost it after that. It starts getting hazy after that. I vaguely remember having the wallet at the bakery but that might just be my mind trying to give me what I want. Besides, I called there and they said they hadn't seen it. We left the bakery at about 1:30. The trip home was a blur because I was half-asleep. Then Richard drove and I completely zonked out.

I've lost my wallet on many occasions before and I've learned to never panic. Panicking only impairs my ability to think critically and actually get out of my problem. So I usually try to shrug it off and not think about it; it's probably around somewhere. Well, I did that for two days until today when I knew I had to buy some more things for the tour. Fortunately, I've been doing relatively well regarding anxiety. I went out anyway and actually took stock of what I needed to buy and how much it cost. I also visited some pawn shops to see if they would buy my bass amp (no luck). So at least I'm pleased in that regard.

Something is telling me to be hopeful and brave and to not give in to anxiety. That one's a killer. If there's one thing I've learned in this stage of Formulation for the tour is how to deal with anxiety more concretely. It's so hard to remember that all these emotions derive because of chemicals sloshing around in my cranium. That sometimes helps me to calm down. I decided long ago to never be a slave again--to my emotions, to misconceptions, or to other people. I won't allow this detail to take over my life and ruin something beautiful and worthy. Determination and perseverance line the path to a better life.