Doubts, Apprehensions, and General Angst

This picture scares me. A lot.

It's been a little over a week since I began planning my tour of homes. The enormity of this feat has begun to wash on me. I don't have anywhere to sleep in some places and, other than the 10 houses I've secured, I don't know if it'll be much of a tour. Will people even bring food? Will they care about what I have to say? Will they be nice? Life is enormous and pulsing and real. I am not. I am very small. I am not very strong.

I've been meditating a lot on this, thinking it through, praying about it, just trying to see if I spoke too soon. I don't know what the next step in my life will be. This is terrifying. Some days I feel my spirit soaring high above me and other days I am overcome with a sudden sweeping sadness. I have so much to learn and do in life that sometimes I forget that I am now and I am here.

I'm listening to Peter and the Wolf right now. I've had this song on repeat for the past half hour.

"Every morning is another chance/To see a different meaning/Carry on your memories/Leave them with the lightness/....Every morning's another chance/See it all anew/All or nothing in the world /Maybe then the lightness will come to you."

When I was little, I used to think that all of my material possessions had feelings. So I would feel guilty if I didn't sleep in my bed while on vacation or if I hadn't played with a certain toy in some time. I knew I had hurt their feelings and I knew I needed to right my wrong. Much of that philosophy has stayed with me so that.

Since the dawn of time, the subatomic particles that make up April 12, 2007 have been waiting in line to materialize and to become a Day. "They" became "he" and "he" was so young at the beginning and now, with a snowy beard and sailboat splotches bobbing on old skin, it's finally his turn. After millenia of disbelief and laughter and struggle, he has finally been completed.

And he's happening.
Right now.
He's happening outside of my window.
Clouds, grass, people, ants, life!

And I can't help but worry that I'm not making today worth his while, if I'm ignoring all the strife he's gone through to see me on this day, to touch me with sunlight, to give me food from the earth. Really, I don't care about today. Today I'm worrying about this tour and I feel guilty because really, he's just another stepping stone that's getting me closer to the tour. All of these days are.

I forget that being alive is the best way to celebrate a today. Part of being alive is letting yourself dream and to let yourself dream is to dream big. I'm not wasting these days by planning with them or looking to a greater day.

I see all those days in line waiting to be. Today they are all envious of Today. Tomorrow they will envy someone else and Today will be gone and dead. I can't help but think that one those days is going to be the end of me, too.

Beginnings!

"Live free or die."

That's New Hampshire's state motto. This summer I plan to exist in a New Hampshire-ian state of mind. Meaning, I am going to live freely and wildly and savagely and universially, meaning I will breathe and eat and poo, but really just meaning that this summer I am going to drive across America.

This is partly to attend a friend's wedding in California in August. But also because I think I need this for my own good. I will be traveling through a lot of America. Now, to do this, I will need your help. I need your help because I want to visit you.

So I need two things from you:

a) a place to stay: I'd like to stay at your house, that way, we can eat and drink and laugh (hold hands, hug, etc).

b) a place to play: I'd like to also play some of my music for you and your friends. i would prefer for it to be in your house but a coffee shop would work too. afterward, we can all talk and share in a nice potluck or a game of tag if it's not too brisk out.

I've begun drawing up a road map of said roadtrip. This is what I've drawn up so far in my Magazine Writing class. I've made it big so you can see it better:

Let me take you through my tentative plan (the dashed lines are possiblities for now):

1. Drive to Toronto with friends (this is just a vacation) - 2nd week of June

2. Drive to Arkansas--Stay there for a few days--Drive to Dallas

3. Stay in Dallas for ONE month, I will be developing a screenplay with my good buddy Jonny Pacheco and living with the one and only Whitney Feldkamp

4. Drive from Dallas to Chattanooga to see my brother and his lovely girlfriend (803.86 miles)

THIS IS WHERE I START NEEDING YOUR HELP!!

5. Drive from Chattanooga to Lincoln OR Siloam Springs, AR...maybe even both (need a show here!)

6. From Lincoln/Ark to Yellowstone National Park where I will see Old Faithful and the Tetons (does someone know anyone?)

7. Yellowstone to Spokane/Mivoden Camp (EMILY WILKENS! I know you've got friends!)

8. Spokane to Seattle ( LOTS AND LOTS OF HELP HERE!)

9. Northern California--Redding? PUC? Sacramento? I'll go anywhere, but I gotta be there for (As long as it doesn't conflict with Devanne's wedding, I'll do anything!)

10. Redding, CA to Loma Linda/Riverside, CA (I have NO clue about this area at all, so lots of help here please!)

11. Riverside to Grand Canyon/Flagstaff/Show Low, AZ (Andrea Cox let's get together!)

12. Arizona to ABQ, New Mexico (That means YOU Hanna Cavanaugh! and your baby too!)

From here, it'll be a straight shot home.

Now keep in mind that this is a tentative schedule. If you don't necessarily live on my route, I'd consider making changes to my plan JUST to see you. I'd also like to get the point across, that this is more of a road trip than a tour although I probably will be selling some CD's.

I would seriously love to see you and help you and love you and play music for you! Let's make it happen!

Sincerly, Wagner Israel Cilio III